Do you remember being in elementary school and dreaming up make-believe fairy tales to your own story? Who you would marry, what you would name your kids, even playing that silly game called MASH to determine the car you’d drive, what celebrity you’d marry, how many kids you would have, etc.? Fast forward to high school when you’re dating and honestly believe that every decision you make from that point on is a trajectory of your success and how your story will play out.
As adults we can look back and laugh or even cry at those fairy-tale endings we imagined for ourselves. However, some truth lies in those imaginings, and that is, we want to be prepared for what the future holds.
I remember sitting in an interview for a nursing position at a hospital. The person interviewing me asked me a series of questions: 1. Describe yourself in three words. 2. What is your biggest strength? 3. What is your biggest weakness? I spouted off the answers like I had been given a month to prep. I said, “I am a wife, a mom to one little girl (at that time), and I love the Lord. My biggest strength is I am a team player, and my biggest weakness is I do not like making decisions on my own.”
That vivid interview is what popped into my head on January 21, 2017, the day after I buried my husband of 14 years. Why? Because I was questioning who I was now, what I was going to do, and how I was going to get from point A to point B. None of my answers in that interview were true anymore. And if they were, I was having a really hard time believing them. I was no longer a wife, I now had two daughters, half of my team (who I considered my MVP) was no longer here, and I knew I had a million decisions to make by myself now.
One thing remained the same, though. I loved the Lord. I was, however, questioning his love for me in this identity crisis. Nothing could have prepared me for the way I was thrown into being a single mom and widow. They were titles I never would have written into my game of MASH as a kid. All I could put into words when I talked to God was why? Why was this my reality? Why me? Why this early? Why so young? Why my kids? Endless lists of why, that to this day I still don’t have answers for.
As a single mom, you have a story that got you that title. A story of how life took you by surprise. When the unimaginable became your reality. When you laid in your bed and cried out to God, “How are we here?” You might even describe yourself in those moments as desperate. The word desperate is defined as very sad, having little or no hope; showing despair due to lack of something or someone you need.
At that point seven years ago, that is exactly how I would have described myself. My sadness and desperate need for someone or something to take it all away was overwhelming, to say the least. The level of deep vulnerability is not a place I wanted to stay, but those feelings led me to the one thing in that interview that seemed to be the same—my love of the Lord and his love for me.
1. In desperation scripture took on new meaning to me and gave me hope. First Peter tells us that everything else except the Word of the Lord fades and Psalms 107 that the Lord delivered them from their distress.
2. In desperation I was right where God wanted me to be. Deprived, desperate moments keep us thirsting for him. It’s not always about being strong, always making the right decisions, or our tribe/support systems being there for us. Death, disease, sickness, divorce, depression, abandonment…all these things remind us that our hope can only be in Christ alone. He truly is enough. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made strong in your weaknesses.”
3. In desperation he was faithful. When I seek hard after answers, he may not always answer me the way I would like, but he shows up in ways I never could have imagined. Psalms 62:1-2: “I will praise you for you are my Rock, my fortress, my salvation, and my refuge.” The word fortress is defined as the safest place to be when we feel like we are under siege. You seek shelter under a fortress when you feel like you are under attack, which is exactly what I did. At times I just sat and did nothing and waited.
4. Through desperation I know him differently. I know who I am because I know whose I am. My identity is eternal and not defined by anything that can be taken from me on this earth. I still need daily reminders of that because we live in a world where identity is defined by so many other things. Walking through suffering and desperation led me to my deeper understanding of why I need a Savior. In Philippians 3:10 Paul talks about wanting to know Christ and the power of his resurrection (the power of our salvation), and in 1 Peter 4:13-16 of willingness to share in his sufferings.
Not that any of us, by choice, would pick suffering as our lot, but through it I know the Lord in a different way. I know I would have never picked this to be my story, but in it my dependence on him and my faith in him has grown. Desperation could have left me hopeless, but now I can say I am proud of my story, and I know he is still redeeming and restoring it. God is where I find joy and my strength, and I hope and pray you can too (Nehemiah 8:10).
