“I just don’t know what to do,” my friend said through tears as she showed me her text messages. She had messaged her ex-husband to tell him that she had scheduled their son’s doctor’s appointment and was offering to drive him to it. As I read his reply, I began scrolling…and scrolling… for what felt like several minutes before reaching the bottom. He threw insults. He called her incompetent. Then he proceeded to berate her once again for the divorce.
“This happens every time I try to communicate with him,” she continued. “I had to schedule the appointment on this day; there were no other openings. I know he’s at work, but that’s why I offered to drive. But I know when I try to explain it, there will be more of this, and I just don’t know what to do.”
Dealing with high conflict people is incredibly difficult. Maybe you can relate to this story, or maybe your mind immediately flashed to another family member, co-worker, boss, or even someone who calls themselves your friend. It can be really hard to know what to say or do to be kind, yet also protect yourselfwhen people go on the attack. You just need to get information to them.
So what can we do? Let’s look at three tips for dealing with high conflict people.
1. Know that you are not crazy and you’re not alone. In 2017 “Psychology Today” did a study that suggested as much as 10 percent of our population1 have what’s known as High Conflict Personality Disorder. These are people characterized as having all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and difficulty with constructive communication. Rest assured, single mom, you are not crazy. This is very much a problem that lots of people deal with. And you know what? God understands what you’re going through. As Jesus walked the earth he encountered difficult people who slandered him. He knows your pain, and he sees you.
2. Ask God to help you control what you can control. And what can only you can control? Your own words and actions. Ask God to help you keep your motives pure and your words direct yet kind. Before you engage, pray he will help you to be slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1:19). If necessary, run something you need to communicate by a godly friend who will tell you if there is anything in your motives you need to think through.
3. Stick to the topic at hand, no matter what they say. High conflict people are fueled by the desire to fight you. For whatever reason, the back and forth arguing is their goal. And if they can get a reaction out of you? Even better. So what do you do? Be as boring to them as an old gray rock. In fact, this technique is indeed called “gray rocking.” Stick to the information you need to get across and only the information you need to get across. Nothing more, nothing less. Jesus did this so well throughout scripture. People would hurl insults at him and tell lies about him. Did he panic and run around and try and correct every lie that was said? No. He showed who he was by living his life and calling out the lies only when absolutely necessary. What did that look like for my friend? Her only response to his text was that she will plan to pick the child up at 3 p.m. for the doctor’s appointment. After that, put the phone down and go live your life, knowing that the high conflict person’s words are not who you are. Only Jesus and who he says you are defines you.
This is a tricky topic! What are some things you’ve done that have helped you in high conflict situations?
