How did you survive, honestly?
This was the question that softly fell out of my friend’s mouth as she sat across from me in tears. You see, she was going through an incredibly difficult season, a season I have navigated myself. That question was giant on the scale of questions that can be asked over lunch. I sat back, took a deep breath and said, “Give me a moment, because I’m honestly not sure.”
My brain rapidly shot back to a specific moment in 2008. I saw myself holding my seven-week-old while rubbing the curls of my six-year-old who was laying across my lap in tears. My phone rang and on the screen I saw the name Mary. Suddenly, I was back at the table where the giant question was asked. I said with a smile on my face “Honestly, it was Mary.”
I began telling my friend about how important trusted, intentional people are during difficult times. I encouraged her to be selective of who she shares her pain with because healing comes in inches. We have to make sure we allow people who step slowly and gently next to us in every inch.
I had people in my life during my divorce, but one unapologetically called me every day to encourage me and ask me all the hard questions. I’m not sure I will ever be able to thank her properly for being the literal reason I survived that season. I am so thankful I picked up every time she called, even when I didn’t feel like talking. I am so thankful she kept calling. I am so thankful she didn’t give up on me, even on days when I had given up on me. I am so thankful for Mary.
You see, single momma, having a friend that’s intentional during difficult times is a literal lifeline. When you have someone who is “always there for you,” it fosters a safe environment where you can express yourself honestly—from fears to freedom. One of the biggest setbacks for us in these seasons is the feeling of isolation, but someone who is constantly calling or knocking can remind you that you aren’t alone, even on the hardest of days.
But we can’t miss the other side of the coin here—the side where you have to answer the door. The side where you have to answer the phone. The side where you have to appreciate and respect the effort that’s being given by the person who is leaning in next to you. The side where you reach out for help if others haven’t seen your pain and reached out to you.
I survived that season, and I will survive every season. That I am sure of because of people in my life like Mary. I want to be like her when I grow up. So I sit at lunches full of tears or laughter. I answer hard questions. I answer the door. I answer the phone. I say thank you.
Do you have a Mary in your life? Maybe you don’t have a close friend to be your Mary. She may instead be a family member, a coworker, or a neighbor. She might even be someone you don’t know all that well yet, such as someone in your church or small group who sees you struggling. Or it may be that you seek out a Christian counselor. But don’t go at this alone. You and your children are way too important, honestly.
