I ask one question every year that gives me so much power as a mom. I wonder what it could do for you.
Years ago I had an unusual experience with a young woman working at a coffee shop. In fact, it changed how I parent at the dinner table. Talk about life-altering lessons for the low, low price of $4.99 per cup! Let me set the scene for you.
I was just about to order an iced venti green tea half-sweetened when suddenly someone stepped in front of me. As he started with his order, the barista interrupted and said, “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t help you when you are inconsiderate of other people. Please step behind her.” She looked me dead in the eyes and said, “What can I get for you today?” After I picked my jaw up off the ground, and his, I ordered my drink and said to her, “I admire the way you unapologetically addressed injustice.” My hand was outstretched handing her my card, but she didn’t reach for it. She just froze for a moment and then simply said, “I’ve never had someone say they admire something about me. Thank you for that.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about the whole moment. The moment when another person saw me as invisible and pushed his way to the front. The moment when a young woman used her voice for me. The moment when the simple word “admire” stopped her in her tracks. That was the one I kept mulling over. I wondered who else needed to hear about admiration. Do my boys know what I admire about them?
It just so happened the next day was my youngest son’s birthday. I always allow my boys to choose the meal for their birthday dinner and we cook it together. But this time I added an extra element of tradition. As we sat down at the table, I explained that going forward on birthdays we will share a meal and add admiration. Now anytime someone has a birthday, we sit down to eat together and I ask everyone at the table to share what they admire about the birthday boy/girl. Then when everyone is done, that person has to share what they admire about themselves. (This was just a caveat I added to make sure my boys knew how to speak kindly about themselves and others.)
When I started this tradition, I wanted my boys to know I admired them. I wanted them to know they admired each other. I wanted each of them to learn to admire themselves. But it turned into so much more. I’ve learned to parent them better because of it. By listening to what they admire about others, I know them better. By listening to what they admire about themselves, I understand their heartbeat. But the biggest surprise of all has come from listening to what they admire about me. Yes, momma gets a birthday dinner too! When I really listen to what they say they admire about me, I discover how they want me to love them. I literally took notes after dinner of what they had to say. I want to admire them, but I also want to admire what they admire. Do you see it? Do you see how they are unknowingly making me a better mom and human?
I dare you to admire your children and tell them about it. I dare you to ask this question over and over again and take notes. I dare you to do this because I know the power it can bring to you as a mother and the power it gives our children when they know we admire them. Ask good questions. Take good notes. Admire. Speak up. And for goodness sake, teach your children not to cut in front of others!
